why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
sick fucks of a feather flock together
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Randomize
