theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
