i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
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