I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
