Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
