Your face is a jimmy john
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
