i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
