im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Randomize
