This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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