conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
