Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
