seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
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