I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
