so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
