the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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