He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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