I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize