at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
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