I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
that may or may not have been my penis.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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