So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Randomize
