Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
