We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
