He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I'm passing your future prison.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
