I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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