i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Randomize
