so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
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