I want to have your abortion
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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