He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
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Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
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I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
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