we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
