"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
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