i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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