I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
