her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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