I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Randomize
