what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
