in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
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