When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I want her autograph on my taint
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
