I just pynch a tree in the face
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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