Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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