life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
