I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
