Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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