Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Randomize
