yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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