my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
