Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
