I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Operation Purity has been aborted
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
