Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
