I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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