that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
