I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
