everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
