Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
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So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize