Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize