I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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