I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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